Or even close to anything that resembles one. I found that out very early this morning – somewhere between 5:00 and 6:00 am. At least I think that’s about the time it was. I can’t really be held accountable for anything said, done, implied, or thought anytime before the hour of 10:00 am. I can’t help it. I just don’t function before then, much less that early in the morning – whatever time it was that this took place. Unless of course there is fishing, hunting, or camping involved. For some reason if any of those activities are about to take place, I can bound out of bed in the morning like a meth-head Tigger.
All I know is that I woke up and it was faaaahaaaareezing! I started scooting over to find my wife so that I could steal some warmth… but noooooo she was long gone. You see, she wakes up somewhere around 1:00 or 1:15 am I think. I’ve always told people that I’ve had a sneaking suspicion that she was a vampire and waited until I was asleep to go wreak havoc upon the town. Actually, it’s not that early, but I can’t say I know exactly when it is that she gets up either because I’m doing what all normal people are doing at that hour – SLEEPING.
So there I was in an empty, freezing bed. What to do? This is when I miss Dottie. She was only 12 pounds, but she cranked out the heat of about 4 propane heaters. It really was a miracle – the heat one little dog could put out. You could pull her up next to you and in a matter of minutes you were pushing her away because you were too hot.
That’s when it hit me. A stroke of genius (please remember that this was WAY early and like I said, I’m not held accountable for anything that is said, done blah blah blah). If Dottie was 12 pounds and put out that many BTU’s, then the sacked out 80-100-ish pound Great Dane laying below me could put out even more!
Now, the wife has said “No more dogs in the bed – ever! Dottie is the last one that will sleep in the bed with us!” We’ve had many “discussions” about this, but she’s not bending on this at all. But… she’s not in the bed is she? She’s out vampiring all over the town preying on innocents at this hour, so this is fair game!
I opened Duchess’ crate and woke her up. She stretched a little bit and I pulled the covers back and told her to hop up… ZOOOOOOOOM into the air she flew and landed with a gigantic crash onto the bed and began rolling and thrashing around wanting to play.
Still freezing, I got her to lay down and threw the covers over us as fast as possible. She squirmed around a bit to find the right spot to be comfortable (she’s quite a diva when it comes to her comfort – she unleashes great vengeance and furious anger onto her bed at night if it’s not cooperating with her).
Once she got settled down, it became quite obvious that she was in no way interested in warming up her frigid human. It’s strange she has no problem being on our bed when no one else is in it. Please keep in mind that we don’t sleep on a tiny twin bed – this is a California King. That’s just a big ol’ doggie on there.
Notice the complete relaxed pose… the look in the eye of “Seriously – I’ve reached a level of relaxation, zen, and enlightenment no other doggie has ever reached, and if you don’t get that camera out of my face I’m going to go all Cujo on you.”
I was a bit groggy, but I’ll try to relate the thoughts that were going through her head early this morning as best as I can by using my doggie telepathy:
“WHAT is that smell? Did you eat tuna fish before you went to bed or something?”
“Why is this pillow wet?”
“Would you like for me to get my slobbery jowls going to get the rest of the pillow for you?”
“TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAPOT!!!!!!” That one requires some explanation – and I’ll blog about it soon enough. She has this ear piercing yawn/squeal thing she does that can break glass if she really gets into it. We call it the teapot because it sounds like a kettle that’s ready to be pulled off the stove… but loud. Much. Louder.
“If you don’t let me out of here Mom is going to kill us both.”
“Potty. Eat. Potty. Eat. Potty. Eat. Potty. Eat. Potty. Eat.”
“Dude. For reals. WHAT is that smell???”
I quickly gave up and put her back in her crate. She was more than happy to get back in, and I guess I wasn’t too disappointed either. It turns out she doesn’t have the heat output of a small galactic sun like Dottie did anyway. Maybe we’ll try it again some morning when the wife is out fulfilling her immortal craving for blood and Duchess is older and calmer.
At least the wife will never know Duchess was in the bed. Oh wait – this thing IS set to private isn’t it?
OH BOY! First of all, I am SOOOOOOO glad there are fresh sheets on my bed tonight, and that better not have been my pillow she drooled all over. Second – there better not be any fresh holes in those other sheets – what is it with our dogs and sheets? Finally, I look forward very much to graduating someday and getting to sleep like NORMAL people instead of getting an early start on my day to come up with fun diagnoses like Dissociative Fugue Disorder for my prof’s make-believe clients.
Love,
The Vampire
Dissociative Fugue Disorder? I’d like to remind you that this is a “family blog” and to please refrain from such language. 🙂
I really enjoy reading your blog. I am glad Laurie shared it with us. Being a dog lover myself with 3 dogs (babies) of my own. I can relate to your story. I will however be glad to share my youngest dog with you. She is a pit bull and has always been a house dog. She gets to sleep under the covers with us and is a bed hog . She definitely is a good heater. However she gets hot and then gets on top which pulls the covers off of you . then wakes up again and wants back under all through the night. So anytime you want to borrow her you are welcome and I can get a good nights rest. LOL
Haha it’s a deal! Until summer. Then she’s out!
I love your blog. I to have the pleasure of enjoying a couple of Danes in my life. I have a chihuahua and 2 Danes. 1st Dane we got was because we went to just check out what Dane puppies looked like. It was love at 1st sight! we came home with a Boston, she is now 3 yes old. We now also have a 4 month old( who does the groaning) blue Merle. He is already 65 lbs! I have a smaller house and 2 kids, there is always room for a Dane!
Thanks Kelly Ann – I was at the vet a couple months ago and some people came in with a giant Rubbermaid tub FULL of Rottweilers. I was this close from coming home with one!
Jason, you have to hear Buddy laughing at your blog (of course he is mimicking Mimi while she is laughing her head off). You are SO FUNNY! I can’t wait until you post every day so I can enjoy, and laugh, and see the world from another perspective. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading. Love you! Mimi
Hi Duchess,
Thanks for coming over to visit my blog – it’s always nice to make new Dane friends!
Your human asked about getting more traffic to your blog – when I first started, I also had very few visitors but you just have to visit lots of other doggie blogs and introduce yourself and comment on their posts – that way you make friends and they will then return your visit!
I find it also helps to have lots of photos in your posts – people usually like those more than long sections of just words (especially words from your human)! So your human will have to start being your personal paparrazzi and remembering to take photos of you doing everything and anything, just so you can illustrate your posts on your blog!
Lastly, competitions are a great way to join in and get to know other people – and put your name out there! There are always a couple of competitions going on in the doggie blogsphere and they are fun to join in too. If you look in my sidebar, you can see 4 that I am taking part in at the moment,
Basically, the more you join in and comment and share, the quicker you’ll make friends and get more visitors to your blog!
Good luck!
Slobbers,
Honey the Great Dane
Oh – I forgot to say that I find it is better to answer your visitor’s comments back in their own blogs – this way you start returning each other’s visits. if you just answer their comments here, they often won’t see it (Like I never come back to look at a post I have already read) and so they think that you’re not responding to them and so they might not bother to come back to visit you again…so I find it is always better to go to their blog to post any replies or comments you have!
LOL This whole entry just cracked me up! First off, tell your wife that she’s just met another vampire lol. Luke is my vamp companion..we roam the parks and streets after midnight..just searching for innocent victims on whom to snack LOL!
I must say, lucky you that Dutchess didn’t take to the bed as well as you might have hoped, otherwise you might have been in trouble!!LOL Luke sleeps with me, and when I say with me I mean, so close I can feel him breathe in my ear, or if we’re face to face, in my nose and mouth!LOL I too have long since gotten used to the drool….I wake up with it in my hair, on my cheek, there’s no such thing as “MY” pillow…even though the little bugger has his own…mine is his too!
Loved that pizza story too. Luke stole a half of a roast beef one time…I wanted to kill him for that one. I’m a carnivore you see, and NO ONE steals my meat!LOL By the time I made it into the next room he’d swallowed it…and had the nerve to practically grin at me. Good thing I love him! 🙂
Anyway I just wanted to drop by and thank you for you comment on our blog…I’m really enjoying reading your entries so far 🙂 Jenn and Luke