Archive for the ‘Destruction’ Category

I was just looking at photos and realized I left something out of the last post about the Marmaduke movie.  Do you remember waaaaaaaay back in one of my first entries how Jake had a jealousy outburst since I was starting the blog for Duchess and he ate a hole in the carpet?

Well, since he figures we all left to go see a movie about Great Danes, he’d decide to have another go at it, being the passive-aggressive Golden Retriever that he is.  This time, the trash can was the victim.  We walked in the door to this little mess… and Jake sitting right there telling on himself.  He quickly went and put himself in time-out.

As you can see, he didn’t knock the can over, just dug around in it and pulled out some treasures, shredded some napkins and whatnot.  Just something to let us know he wasn’t happy.

The blue thing by the trash can in the pic above?  That’s a Marmaduke advertisement that came in The Boy’s high-fat, super-high-calorie- really-really-really-bad-for-you fast food meal.  Coincidence?  I think not.

At least it wasn’t the carpet this time.

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I’m really in no mood for creativity or fun titles at this point.  I was in a photo shoot with a customer and The Boy and the pack were in the backyard playing.  When I was done I went to gather all the little ones when I noticed something.

Duchess dug up a peach tree.

I planted it only days ago and I guess she didn’t like the location of it.  So she dug it up.  And ate the roots.  Roots are awesome apparently – especially when mixed in with a good bit of dirt.

So mad.  So very, very mad.  No pictures.  No cute little use of sarcasm or funny haha at the end of this post.  If I gather myself I might take a picture later, but don’t count on it.  I don’t think we’ll ever speak of Duchess and The Peach Tree again.

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But we’re not talking about Skittles here.  The rainbow we’re discussing is Crayola Crayons.  I’m sitting there, farming away on Farmville, having enjoyed a nice day off with the family.  Had a great day messing around, my seeds finally came up in the garden, had a wicked great dinner, got to see my neighbor’s uber cool new 1923 Victrola… pretty fantastic day.


I hear the wrath of the vampire wife echo through the halls of our abode like a semi truck’s air brake at 2 AM.  She’s quite loud for such a tiny vampire.

I hear, “On what planet is it a good idea to leave Crayons on the floor?  How many times have I told you… blah blah blah!!!”  This is where I was presented with a moral dilemma.  Should I go try to save the boy from the wrath of the vampire or go grab the camera for the blog?

I ran for the camera.

There wasn’t much to capture though unfortunately.  Just a really ticked off vampire wife and a boy with a, “Dude…” expression on his face.

Here’s what I found on the floor…

That plastic thing used to house about eleventy hundred Crayons.  It now has about eleventy hundred minus about… oh… 50 or so I’m guessing.

It seems Duchess has acquired a taste (oh man what a pun) for art.  They’re obviously really, really good because even after being told to Amscray from the Ayonscray she still came back to see if there were any leftovers on the floor.

You know how when people make snide comments like, “Well don’t you just poop rainbows?”  That saying will definitely apply to Duchess for the next day or so.  That is, if she keeps them down.

I guess that will teach us to leave town for an afternoon and skip her lunchtime feeding.

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Dude. Seriously. This is getting out of hand. She de-squeakafied another favorite woobie today. I suppose it’s time to start buying her bricks for toys???

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She’s on a roll.  New rule: From now on, no more woobies that aren’t one solid piece.

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Or something along those lines because she’s taken quite an interest in interior decorating as of late.  It started the other day when the vampire wife was down for her “nap” – aka recharging from the weakened state that sunlight puts her in.  I was on the computer (as always) and I heard this dull noise that sounded a little like… well I don’t really know what it sounded like.  It wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t annoying, so I didn’t really pay much attention to it.

When you have a house with 3 dogs and a 7 year old boy, there’s always some sort of a sound going on, so I’m sort of immune to these things.  Anyway, it got a little louder and a little louder and that’s when I noticed something moving out of the corner of my eye.  It was Duchess – and she was moving our furniture around.

In our entryway sits a little bench, probably about 3 feet long or so.  It’s upholstered and has wooden legs on it… we think it’s all right.  Not the nicest piece of furniture in the world, but it serves its purpose which is to a) hold customers up off the floor when they sit on it, and b) keep my coats off the floor when I throw them on there.

Well, there was Duchess with a leg of it in her mouth and she was dragging it across the entry way.  I don’t know where she thought she was going with it.  Maybe she was bringing it closer to me to point out my three coats that were laying on it in protest to my sloppiness.  Or maybe perhaps she doesn’t like that new/old world type of style – thinks it’s a little cheap or like you’re trying to hard.  Either that or that varnish just tastes good.

As I put the bench back in place I noticed this…

That’s when I knew… Duchess – was dead.  As soon as the vampire wife arose from her coffi….errr… nap and saw this?  Dude.  She shall rain down upon her with great vengeance and fuuuurious anger.  All kinds of plots ran through my mind in order to save her hide.  Perhaps ninja ground squirrels infiltrated our house and… nah that wouldn’t work.  Duchess is low on fiber and it’s our fault for not feeding her right?  That wouldn’t fly either.

Remember how I always say that you have to have a sense of humor if you own a Great Dane?  I realized we were going to put that to the test in only a matter of minutes.  To my surprise, there really wasn’t much of a reaction.  Maybe it was because she had just woken up from a nap?  I’ll have to remember that for future reference when I need to break bad news.  I could start keeping a list of all the junk the dogs do each week and then unload on her when she wakes up.

I pointed out the destruction and got a sigh and a roll of the eyes.  Considering the circumstances, that’s about the best that I could hope for.

Things rocked along just fine for a few weeks until this weekend when we sat down to watch a movie.  Not just any movie – but one of the greatest movies of all time… Poltergeist!  It was my first scary movie growing up, and we sat down to watch it with Blake for his very first scary movie as well.  We had all the lights out in the entire house, had our bowls of popcorn, had the surround sound cranked up, and were glued to the screen.

That’s when it happened.

An ottoman we have in the living room shaped like a cube went flying across the room into these very, very loud folding doors.  Flying.  Across the room.  While watching Poltergeist.  In.  The.  Dark.

That’ll get your heart going.  Or at least make you think twice about how long it’s been since you’ve been to the bathroom.  As I raised up to see just what the heck was going on, that’s when I saw Duchess’ big noggin hop up from the floor.  My mind quickly flashed back to the entryway incident and put two and two together.

I’m still not really sure exactly what happened, but I’m assuming that she had laid down on the floor to munch on the ottoman leg, rolled over on her back, pulling it with her on top of her, then pulled her legs in and launched it across the room like some sort of circus trick.  From what I could tell of her face in the glow of the TV screen, it was a look of “That. Just. Happened!”

Took a look at the ottoman and I think my assumption of what happened is pretty close to being correct…

It’s all fun and games now – and the fact that she has the sense of comedic timing to be able to hurl a piece of furniture across the room into the loudest thing in the house during a horror flick is pretty darn amazing – but if she keeps tossing pieces of furniture around, things are gonna get broken.  Hmmm… man I sure do want a new TV.

I think I may have just found our new trick to work on.

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Duchess is a backhoe…

My vampire wife came home the other day, let the dogs out for their potty break, and then found this on the back porch when she went to let them in.

That’s dirt.  Quite a lot of it actually.  Notice the “Wipe Your Paws” door mat?  Yeah… I think Duchess is mocking us.

Duchess evidently found something reeeeeeeally interesting underground and decided it was a good idea to excavate it and bring some of the evidence to the door in an effort to raise our awareness.  Because, you know, it could be something really cool – like a bone, an old soda can, or Jimmy Hoffa.  We got home from obedience class and I went out to take pictures of the new landscaping she’d decided to perform.

It was pitch black so I didn’t really know what it was that she was after, but I took a picture anyway.

She stuck her giant shnoz in there just as I was snapping it.  She obviously thought this was being submitted to the “Dog Archaeology Journal” or something.  I didn’t see anything but a hole, but as I got inside and started downloading the photo I saw what it was she’s after.

If you look closely in the middle of the pic you’ll see a little bit of plastic – like the kind that is wrapped around something for shipping.  Yep – the big “treasure” she’s after is a discarded piece of plastic that somehow got under the surface by our back porch.

Why is an old piece of plastic wrap so intriguing?  Your guess is as good as mine.  My theory is that she’s gone “green” and is currently excavating it in an effort to recycle.  Let’s hope she never finds out there’s a bunch of old pipe buried throughout the yard that used to be a geothermal heating and cooling unit for the house.  That escapade might skip the “Dog Archaeology Journal” and put her straight on a milk carton.

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A Jealousy Outburst!

Jake has always been the jealous type.  It really doesn’t matter if he’s getting attention, just as long as no one else is.  Obviously last night after spending the time to get this blog set up, then settling down to get caught up on the DVR with Duchess curled up in the recliner with me, he decided to go on a licking rampage to pay us back for doting on the girl.

He has this incredibly weird quirk that rears its ugly head from time to time – licking the carpet.  He’ll go off somewhere in the house, channel his canine ancestors in some heretofore unknown doggie ritual in order to find just the right spot to lay down and commence licking the same spot in the carpet – over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

If we’re watching a movie or something, this could go unnoticed for quite some time.  I guess that’s what happened last night because this morning as I awoke to let the dogs out (which is much like opening the chute at a rodeo or the running of the bulls – well, except for Oliver… I guess he would be more like the running of the weasels or something but I digress) and I found this in the dining area.

That’s right – he licked a giant hole into the carpet!  I should’ve put something down for size reference, but it was early and I hadn’t had my coffee yet.  It’s about the size of a pudding cup I guess.  That’s a strange object to use as a size reference, but hey that’s what I came up with.  Maybe I should pitch that to a pudding company – “Activia!  Helps you poop as well as measure your dog’s destruction!”

Luckily we have this shaggy sort of carpet so I was able to do the middle aged man combover on it.

And just think – I went to bed last night wondering if I would have enough blog material on a daily basis to keep this thing updated.  Be careful what you wish for I guess.

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