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Posts Tagged ‘poop’

With her butt.  And poop.  I guess it was her birthday present to me and I should feel special?  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I DO know how the Vampire Wife felt about it though.

There I was sitting in my chair after a long day and here comes The Boy and the Vampire Wife marching down the hall towards me with their noses stuck in their shirts.  That’s never a good sign.  I don’t care what the words are that follow those actions – they’re not going to be good.

I was told that MY dog had left the BIGGEST mess ever in the history of doggie poop for ME to clean up in the bedroom.  I let out a sigh (because we’ve had dogs for ever and ever… and for it to be the biggest mess ever?  Dude.) and gathered up some paper towels, trash bag, Spot Shot, etc.  I marched on down the hall armed with my de-poopifying arsenal and that’s when I turned the corner and saw it.

The poop smiley face.

How the trash does a dog do that?!?!?!  Was she just about to explode so she thought, “Hey, I could do some wicked graffiti with this mega load of super stankaliciousness – let’s try a smiley face so that daddy will be happy!”  Ugh.  I swear I thought seriously about calling in the crime scene cleanup people… this was seriously over my head and capabilities.

But I didn’t.  I got to cleaning.  And cleaning.  And cleaning.  Duchess came in to check on me because she’s never more than a couple feet away from me at all times.  I thought I was getting a picture of her, but it was a video (I was obviously blinded by toxic fumes and pure rage and fury… understandably incapable of operating a camera correctly).  It’s only a few seconds long, but I decided to upload my little mistake because I love how it captures her attitude of, “So hey… how’s it going?  Whatcha doin?  Catch that video on tv of the two planes that almost crashed mid-air?  That was like off the hook insane!” with the tail wagging and no comprehension of the fact that I’ve been plotting the 489 ways to kill a giant dog in their sleep.

All it took was her seeing the look on my face to understand that bidness was not good right now (and yes dogs understand your facial expressions).

Once she realized I was taking pictures, she figured that everything must be okay after all…

And then she realized this horrible situation was waaaaay bigger than the both of us and went right back to the sympathetic “I’m really sorry” pose.

I had a customer call me right about this time and wanted to drop by the house for a couple minutes.  Ummm…. that’s a negatory there good buddy.  I had to explain that my house smells like my dog ate 12 skunk butts, puked them up, ate them again, then exploded them across my bedroom in a happy happy fun time rainbow of a smiley face.

I lit one of those lampe berger things or whatever you call them.  Just one of these things is usually enough to run me out of the house, eye watering, and sneezing away – overpowering all sense of smell for a few hours.

Oh but not this night.  This night I kept sticking my head over it, wafting it into my face, having to keep checking to see that it’s still lit.

So there you have it – my homemade birthday present from Duchess.  Next year I won’t hint around about what it is that I want and will make sure she and I get online and buy something together well ahead of time.  I know what she’s getting for her birthday though… extra strength imodium.

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